Med update: "Panexa"

They might have called it "DTC-exa." From the "Much-Truth-In-Jest" Department:

"No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your lifestyle is one of the biggest factors in choosing how to live. Why trust it to anything less? Panexa is proven to provide more medication to those who take it than any other comparable solution. Panexa is the right choice, the safe choice. The only choice..."

Half the samples in our cabinets come with promotional leaflets that aren't far removed from this! (Let me guess: does it contain Paxil, Xanax, and Zyprexa?) I won't be surprised if patients start asking for this! But wait, there are cautions:

WHEN PANEXA SHOULD NOT BE USED

There are no known medical circumstances (based on extensive internal testing) in which PANEXA cannot be used. However, PANEXA is not quite as aggressively recommended in the following circumstances:

* PANEXA should not be used as a physical aid to set a broken bone, as in the case of a splint;
* PANEXA should not be used as a substitute for real human relationships; the tablets (and gel-coated caplets) are incapable of displaying any real emotion, and would prove to be dissatisfying friends or mates;
* PANEXA should not be used to soak up spills or remove stains. This is disrespectful to PANEXA;
* PANEXA should not be resold with the intent of generating a personal profit;
* PANEXA should not be used a form of motive transport, as it lacks the government regulated (US DOT 1445/88-4557) safety lights and reflectors;
* Women with uteruses should consider avoiding PANEXA or moving to a state or province where the concentration of PANEXA is lesser;
* Do not taunt PANEXA.

-via "Mindhacks."