"My Dog Is Tom Cruise"

In the New Yorker:

"I have to tell you, things are good. I am . . . I am . . . Whooo! . . . I am very good. I just returned from a walk and . . . ha! Things. Are. Good. I’ve got a bowl of hard kibble with some soft stuff mixed in. My name’s on the bowl! I am passionate about this lamb-and-rice recipe. What’s been going on? haha!
...Do you know the history of crate training? ’Cause I do. Don’t talk about things you don’t understand. Like saying dogs are wild. Dogs are wild—that is glib. Dogs are . . . I’ve done the research; there are crates that they put us in to quote unquote train us. They throw rattlesnakes at us. Electric-shock tags! I’m not making this up. This is . . . it’s history. Crate training just masks the problem. These dogs, they become zombies. You can totally handle disobedience naturally by saying 'No!' and 'Bad dog!' It works. Look at the facts. Shock tags?! I am disgusted."

(by NOAH BAUMBACH)