Saturday, January 08, 2005

The better "us" we reach for

Blondzila, at Sanity Optional, lists her New Year's resolutions:

I think it's an essential part of human nature to always be dissatisfied with an element of ourselves. If we weren't, we would cease to try, we would drown in atrophy, and stasis, true stasis, is death. We resolve to be better, and choose the beginning of a new year as a symbol of the newness, the better us, we reach for.

All that said, my resolutions always go for crap. Always.

Admit it. So do yours. C'mon.

The infinitesmally small number of you who actually keep your New Year's Resolutions belong to the same golden group who lose weight and keep it off for the rest of your life, who quit smoking cold turkey and never have a craving, who stop drinking without AA and own a bar... And bully for you for succeeding.

If I was going to make resolutions this year, they'd be pretty simple. But nothing in my life is simple anymore. *sigh* My illness has been on my mind a lot lately. But if a resolution is something that I want to improve about myself, here goes:

First: I resolve to remember to take my medication when I'm supposed to (for those who don't get that, read the blurb under the "Sanity Optional" should make sense). But the damned things have an effect on my memory so....ummm...

where was I again?

Second: I resolve to be more honest with my doctor about how my moods have been controlled. ummmm....wait....what was that first resolution again?

Third: I resolve to remember that I don't wear my diagnosis on my forehead like a scarlet letter, so that people really aren't staring at me as often as I think (did I ever tell you the paranoia that comes with bipolar disorder? dunno...I forget...see resolution number one).

Four: I resolve to be more kind to myself, and remember that I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to stigmatizing my illness. I am still a good person, I am still a good mother, I am still a good wife....but as my husband said tonight, I just sleep earlier because of the drugs.

Five: I resolve to thank my lucky stars every day that my worst problem in life is this illness. I still have a husband who loves me (and they say I'm crazy), a son who stays out of trouble and does decently in school, a roof over my head, food to eat and a decent paying job.

My last resolution will be easiest to keep. I resolve to tell you, Internet, thanks for listening to me babble, for giving me an ear and a laugh and a shoulder.

So thanks :-)

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